Stupid self-esteem

Sorry about never getting to the hospital story. I'll get to It eventually.

Ever since I've started recovery my self esteem has taken a compleate dive. Mainly because of all of the side effect have taken away alot of the things that I used to be able to do with ease. Like type, or multi- tasking. Things which are making my new job hard. Also like spaceing out and getting light headed at random intervals doesn't help either.

So you Can see why I don't have much faith in myself. If I can't through papers by my self anymore, what job can I have?

I don't feel Like typeing much today. I think I'm getting more depressed. I better go take my pristiq.

To Pristiq or to Celexa

Tough question. Pristiq makes me manic but the doc says take it if you feel a depression coming on. Now I felt a depression coming on about four days ago, so I take one. I start to feel fine. So the next I go back to celexa. I was light a light switch of emotion, depressed on second, fine the next, maybe a little high a few minutes later, then all over again. Really weird stuff. So next day, back to pristiq. So today here was my dilemma. What do I tell my Doc next Wednesday? The Celxa stopped working? Or I'm addicted to the mania highs? (Which is a possibility) OR I'm crashing what do I do? I can't crash, not with this job. He and I are looking to find normal for me,When I don't even know what normal is.

I just hope I don't become unstable again.

OMG! Can I post around Here!

I'm going to take a short break from the previous storyline, to rant a little. It seem so hard to come up with time to do a simple task such as thins, even though I took a part time job to do so.Like yesterday atl I did was get-up shower, start to write but then my sister arrived like she was supposed, so it was my fault for not getting up earlier, not making more time. How? Gah! I'm being to hard on my self. That's on thing they teach you in Outpatient is to NOT be Hard on your self. Take you recovery day by day.But.... it does get frustrating.

Now on to something that has to you with the blog subject...
Med Prices

They Suck

Now why Medicine prices very from $.98 To $104 is beyond me but because one of my meds in of the later I have to go pick up samples from my doctor and discuss options. Yes, psych docs get loads of free samples so if you go to see on grab as many as you need, and some for your friends too. Meds are expensive. With my insurance I pay $.98 For my Celexa my friend pays $40 for his. And never through them out either. You'll never know If you'll need them again or if a friend will.

I'm Still not happy That even with the free sample it's costing me like $100 a month The Klonapin is $56 the topamax was $26 Everything else was pennies and I haven't got My desyrl or Invega substitute. So I really don't know how much It's really going to cost me a month. I'm poor already! Give me a break!

Ch... Ch... Ch... Changes....?

I've been thinking that last year was a year of Change. Started Largely in part with a career change from me going from being a cook to a newspaper carrier. I Also gained a good friend that also almost ended my marriage and definitely left a dent on it. When you tell your husband your in love or you love or you and love or any combination of those words to him your not going to get a good reaction.

I had friends just up and leave me toward the end of the year, no given reason. But I had alot of good change too. I took LSD for the first time. That was way fun. Me and Doug had A 1969 party and it was super psychedelic (no LSD there). We somehow got another dog! I have all my natural hair back!

Even though the summer was super fun in August I had a mixed episode and the movie "The Goods" was so bad I wanted to Die. OK it wasn't the movie it was me. The incident was awful luckily Dug called my husband David and Saved me but I squirmed out of their clutches and didn't make it to the hospital. Just the toilet bowl. The next day I was quite embarrass. I vowed that it never be brought up again but I have in group twice so since then I've kinda gotten over it. Still embarrass to have envolved people though.

When I got the job at Lawrence Tech in September I thought thing were looking up but I sank into a depression by November. I was literally sleeping all the time. I slept at home, I'd Sleep at Doug's, I d sleep at my fried Ian's, I'd sleep when I could at work, come home sleep more. When awake I'd eat. Not alot. But It's not like I'd lose weight either. I maintained a healthy weight. I'd try to keep busy but I'd get tired halfway through then take a six hour nap. I never regulated my sleep like I should. Christmas pulled me up enough but when I return to work,there where too many negative feelings and then one day one lady sent me over the edge...

I ended up in the hospital cause I was afraid of another August all over again. For 3 days I was rolling around in bed crying wanting to die crying out for someone to help me and take me to the hospital but no one want to do it. Eventual Doug did it. David said He'd do it after Doug did. Typical. Ian did too. Men always do that....

Next Post....The Hospital...Not that Bad!

Still not sure how it works...

Yesterday was a strange day. It was Monday which meant It was on of the days me and Doug hang out so he had the pleasure of escourting meto Dr. Nair's office yesterday. Which was a disaster, cause I did what I do what I do when I'm nervous...de-personalise, which took me awhile to recover from. Should keep klonapin with me and see if that would help with that.

He wanted to talk about my film career and paper route. and man was I all over the place. He think's I'm mildly manic. I think he's right. He thinks this job's bad for me, I'm not sure. I love this job. This job might be bad but I'm not giving it up yet.

I've been thinking alot about college, and how I can't wait to go back; but what with all that's happened I can't go back till fall. Still going though. Not letting this illness hold me back.

The rest of my dday was nothing to write home about (sorry Doug!). Plus Doug wouldn't want me to write about him in here anyway. So Sorry for such a short first post, but I have yoga and rocking out to Big Star to do.