Monday, August 26, 2013

The End

I started this blog, over three years ago to cope with my bipolar diagnosis. Since then I have realized that the doctors most likely misdiagnosed me. They put me on many unnecessary medications. So many in fact, there is damage to my brain. I am missing many events from my memory bank, and what I do remember I look back and say “That was me?” It was like I had a fresh start after what I now call my nervous breakdown. My divorce was like a weight off my shoulders. We should have parted ways before we were married, but I was too afraid. I felt like I was trapped. Part of me felt like I owed him to stay in the relationship, even though I was unhappy. Another part of me tried to logically reason: We had a house, and without him as the other half of this financial entity I would be poor. I had a car, some trinkets, but at the moment of my breakdown, I had no money and barely a job. All of this could have been prevented. I could have grown some balls, got some real therapy. A Psychiatrist is not a good idea. I was on 6 different medications, and had a plethora of benzos, which oddly enough were the only type of drug that worked, even though I abused them. Popping more then I needed mixing valium and klonopin, drinking on top of that. My anxiety and stress were the problem. That is why I was depressed. The anti-depressants made me go manic and act without provocation. Just right off my rocker, flying into the night without a care. The anti-psychotics are even worse. I never took Abilify cause I knew a friend who took that and said it was like living in a nightmare. So I was taking Invega, a newer drug. I couldn't think for a month. You know inner dialogue? It was impossible for me to do it. Can you imagine that? Vivid nightmares that were realistic, and not to mention all these drugs made me depersonalized and sex, well, that was almost impossible. What I have learned from this experience is that if your depressed, figure out why. Be honest with yourself, talk to others, get a therapist. Working it out will save you money and brain cells. If you truly have bipolar disorder, medications might help, but the best is learning how to control yourself, recognize when you start to feel a certain way and try to counter act that. When I realize I am being depressed, I regulate my sleep and try to stay motivated. When I'm manic I tend to steer clear of alcohol, and remind myself that my wallet does have bottom. Don't try to kill yourself. State run mental hospitals are worse then death. I don’t condone suicide, but If you are going to do it, actually do it, cause seriously... I was almost raped and was sexually assaulted while in this hospital. It was a nightmare experience, and a wake up call. You don't have to hit rock bottom to realize you need change in your life. The most important thing I learned is don't be afraid of change. Change is inevitable. People are going to get hurt. You're going to get hurt. It happens. Don't be afraid of anything, except maybe heights and spiders. Jump in, take risks, all that cheesy bullshit. Don't be afraid to say no, or admit your not happy. It's ok to not be happy, we don’t have to be happy all the time, just remember that.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Suicide, when someone commits it, it's almost always met with denial. They accidentally took too many pills, or the wrong ones. They didn't know the gun was loaded. Even auto-erotic asphyxiation would be something people would grasp onto, but suicide...

Even though as bipolar I'm technically sick, I don't think of it that way. I think of myself as a normal person, But at times, as most bipolar people, we contemplate suicide. Suicide is apart of my disease, whether or not I view it as a 'sickness'. It doesn't matter your background or beliefs, when your suicidal all you can think about is finding a way to die. You don't care about your family, or ones you love. You might think of who'll miss you, over all you don't care. All you want is to die. How, doesn't matter. The easier and quicker the better. Suicide Ideation, what it is called, is the most scary part of this disease. If you are not treated for bipolar there is a 30 to 50 percent chance of suicide and suicidal attempts. Even with treatment there still is a 15 percent chance of suicide. Scary when your just diagnosed. Scarier when you've actually tried.

The last time I went into the hospital I didn't try, but I was on the brink of psychosis. I could barely function without thinking 'How am I going to kill myself?'. Scarier yet I was so irritable I was thinking of harming others. Life hurt. All I wanted is for it to stop. I had been depressed for months, been to the hospital before, went through treatment, took my meds regularly...but it all didn't work. Here I was in a mixed state. I hadn't really slept in days (mainly cause my doctor thought Ritalin was a good idea to get me out of the slump I was in the week before), and I was depressed as one can get.

Being suicidal isn't fun (obviously) nor is it a choice. In sane mind I would never kill myself. I love life and I have yet to accomplish things that I want. But being in that mindset, all you want is for the hurt to stop. Most suicides involve alcohol, which makes you even more depressed. My attempt back in August '09 involved alchol. Lots of it. I'm still reeling in the disgust I feel for doing that, to my husband and my friend.

Suicidal Ideation is avoidable with smart life choices and medications. It's only avoidable but will still happen. There is no cure for bipolar, and if your bipolar you eventually be in a state of depression, treatment or no. With that said the possibility of suicide ideation is high. When you get that far it's time to go to the hospital. If you can't afford the hospital, you need to be under constant surveillance, so have a trusted friend or family member in your back-up plan. Even so, everyone with bipolar needs a support system and a plan for when you cannot handle yourself anymore. Whether your psychotic or in a mixed state,manic or depressed, you need someone there to notice your symptoms, and have you recognise them. You need someone who can notice you slipping, and has access to your doctor.

I know I cannot justify suicide in anyway, but I hope with this post people can understand from someone who experienced these feeling first hand. With education suicide can be prevented. I hope in my blog that I'll eventually get to explain the warning signs, but as for now I hope I've educated some about suicidal ideation.

Monday, May 3, 2010


One of the things about being bipolar that you hear constantly is that you need to keep a routine. Which means:

1. Regular sleep schedule
2. Exercise
3. Regular meal time, healthy of course
4. Meditation
5. Regular medication intake

Now this is the hardest thing I've had to deal with, because I don't like to be told what to do and when to do it. But with that said and weight gain from the pills I had to take the initiative and get on track. So far I've lost 2 and a half pounds of the six I've gained(after I stopped taking Risperdol), and with healthy choices for food and regular excise I'm sure I'll lose more.

I exercise with yoga and the Wii fit at around 3 am (Because I have to stay up till 7 am) on days I don't work. Afterwards I sit down with a pot of tea turn on the tele, sometimes, listen to music with the caps on the television and write. I try to add blogging to my routine so I get used to writing on a regular basis, so it makes writing my script easier.

It's been so long since I've written on a regular basis, and with being bipolar/ depressed, it makes it even less consistent. So adding this to my routine will force me to make an effort, and will help me get back in shape doing something I love.

I haven't got on a regular mealtime. Close but not consistent. I have been watching what I eat. I think I'd do better if I can stay away from Hooters and Buffalo Wild Wings.

And I can not stress enough how important taking medications on a regular basis can be. After my overdose I realised I was taking too many pills so I slowly brought my lamictal levels down to 200 mg a day. I cut my Trazadone in half to 50 mg, and started taking my Pristiq (50 mg) which definitely lifted my mood. I take My Pristiq when I wake up and everything else plus an Ambien when I go to sleep. It makes it easy that way. Plus you should eat something small when you take pills.

Ok I've said enough. I'll save more for another post.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

If you think you miss a dose, wait till the next time to take it.

Advice I Didn't take.

Also I shouldn't drink anymore. That's how I forgot that I took my meds. And since the last time I missed my med's I had terrible withdrawl symptoms, I decided I'd be smart and take the useual dose. The terrible reveltion came when my friend Ian called and said I took my meds. It wasn't until I got to my nieces party when it all sat in.

Now I overdosed on nothing "fun". It was lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer. It's the kind of stuff that melts you brain. Like lsd but legal, works slowly, supposed to even everything out, and make me "less" bipolar. The side effects of this overdose was lack of depth perseption, dizzyness (which is an understatement), things moving that shouldn't, nausea, and fatique. Oh and paralyisis. I couldn't Move for like 3 hours.

I felt so bad, because this was my nieces third b-day, and my sister had so much trouble getting this party together. That's and I felt like an idiot cause I know:

If you think you missed a dose, wait till the next time to take it.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


So there are about a million resons I haven't written anything on here lately. FOr one,I went into a depression, which led to mixed state (thanks ritalin!). Then I went into the hospital. Which sucked cause the food is shit everyone's crazy (Duh) and they don't let you hae things, like cosmo magazine, and music. Cause those things can kill you. And cosmo can give you a bad body image, even though I'm cool with it.

Treament has taken away my self confindence, my ability to fall asleep, My over-all self esteem, and most of all my motivation. You can say it's the depression,but it's not. It's evrything else. It's the oversleeping, lack of self confidence, looking for a poin of doing anything. Last year I looked foward to alot of things, this year, I just don't care.

I look it up in a good book, but all they said was suck it up and try super hard. Try super hard? What the hell does that mean. I've been trying setting reasonable goals, but it doesn't matter when you don't see a point. It's geting better. I've been exersizing on days that I don't work, been busy getting the house in order since I've been slacking off since January. It's been hard. I'll be blogging more over the next few as I try to add this to my scedule. By te way pardon my grammer and spelling. This computer's keyboard sucks, And I'm too lazy to fix all 100 mistakes that I've made. Man I need and editor.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Stupid self-esteem

Sorry about never getting to the hospital story. I'll get to It eventually.

Ever since I've started recovery my self esteem has taken a compleate dive. Mainly because of all of the side effect have taken away alot of the things that I used to be able to do with ease. Like type, or multi- tasking. Things which are making my new job hard. Also like spaceing out and getting light headed at random intervals doesn't help either.

So you Can see why I don't have much faith in myself. If I can't through papers by my self anymore, what job can I have?

I don't feel Like typeing much today. I think I'm getting more depressed. I better go take my pristiq.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

To Pristiq or to Celexa

Tough question. Pristiq makes me manic but the doc says take it if you feel a depression coming on. Now I felt a depression coming on about four days ago, so I take one. I start to feel fine. So the next I go back to celexa. I was light a light switch of emotion, depressed on second, fine the next, maybe a little high a few minutes later, then all over again. Really weird stuff. So next day, back to pristiq. So today here was my dilemma. What do I tell my Doc next Wednesday? The Celxa stopped working? Or I'm addicted to the mania highs? (Which is a possibility) OR I'm crashing what do I do? I can't crash, not with this job. He and I are looking to find normal for me,When I don't even know what normal is.

I just hope I don't become unstable again.