Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Suicide, when someone commits it, it's almost always met with denial. They accidentally took too many pills, or the wrong ones. They didn't know the gun was loaded. Even auto-erotic asphyxiation would be something people would grasp onto, but suicide...

Even though as bipolar I'm technically sick, I don't think of it that way. I think of myself as a normal person, But at times, as most bipolar people, we contemplate suicide. Suicide is apart of my disease, whether or not I view it as a 'sickness'. It doesn't matter your background or beliefs, when your suicidal all you can think about is finding a way to die. You don't care about your family, or ones you love. You might think of who'll miss you, over all you don't care. All you want is to die. How, doesn't matter. The easier and quicker the better. Suicide Ideation, what it is called, is the most scary part of this disease. If you are not treated for bipolar there is a 30 to 50 percent chance of suicide and suicidal attempts. Even with treatment there still is a 15 percent chance of suicide. Scary when your just diagnosed. Scarier when you've actually tried.

The last time I went into the hospital I didn't try, but I was on the brink of psychosis. I could barely function without thinking 'How am I going to kill myself?'. Scarier yet I was so irritable I was thinking of harming others. Life hurt. All I wanted is for it to stop. I had been depressed for months, been to the hospital before, went through treatment, took my meds regularly...but it all didn't work. Here I was in a mixed state. I hadn't really slept in days (mainly cause my doctor thought Ritalin was a good idea to get me out of the slump I was in the week before), and I was depressed as one can get.

Being suicidal isn't fun (obviously) nor is it a choice. In sane mind I would never kill myself. I love life and I have yet to accomplish things that I want. But being in that mindset, all you want is for the hurt to stop. Most suicides involve alcohol, which makes you even more depressed. My attempt back in August '09 involved alchol. Lots of it. I'm still reeling in the disgust I feel for doing that, to my husband and my friend.

Suicidal Ideation is avoidable with smart life choices and medications. It's only avoidable but will still happen. There is no cure for bipolar, and if your bipolar you eventually be in a state of depression, treatment or no. With that said the possibility of suicide ideation is high. When you get that far it's time to go to the hospital. If you can't afford the hospital, you need to be under constant surveillance, so have a trusted friend or family member in your back-up plan. Even so, everyone with bipolar needs a support system and a plan for when you cannot handle yourself anymore. Whether your psychotic or in a mixed state,manic or depressed, you need someone there to notice your symptoms, and have you recognise them. You need someone who can notice you slipping, and has access to your doctor.

I know I cannot justify suicide in anyway, but I hope with this post people can understand from someone who experienced these feeling first hand. With education suicide can be prevented. I hope in my blog that I'll eventually get to explain the warning signs, but as for now I hope I've educated some about suicidal ideation.

Monday, May 3, 2010


One of the things about being bipolar that you hear constantly is that you need to keep a routine. Which means:

1. Regular sleep schedule
2. Exercise
3. Regular meal time, healthy of course
4. Meditation
5. Regular medication intake

Now this is the hardest thing I've had to deal with, because I don't like to be told what to do and when to do it. But with that said and weight gain from the pills I had to take the initiative and get on track. So far I've lost 2 and a half pounds of the six I've gained(after I stopped taking Risperdol), and with healthy choices for food and regular excise I'm sure I'll lose more.

I exercise with yoga and the Wii fit at around 3 am (Because I have to stay up till 7 am) on days I don't work. Afterwards I sit down with a pot of tea turn on the tele, sometimes, listen to music with the caps on the television and write. I try to add blogging to my routine so I get used to writing on a regular basis, so it makes writing my script easier.

It's been so long since I've written on a regular basis, and with being bipolar/ depressed, it makes it even less consistent. So adding this to my routine will force me to make an effort, and will help me get back in shape doing something I love.

I haven't got on a regular mealtime. Close but not consistent. I have been watching what I eat. I think I'd do better if I can stay away from Hooters and Buffalo Wild Wings.

And I can not stress enough how important taking medications on a regular basis can be. After my overdose I realised I was taking too many pills so I slowly brought my lamictal levels down to 200 mg a day. I cut my Trazadone in half to 50 mg, and started taking my Pristiq (50 mg) which definitely lifted my mood. I take My Pristiq when I wake up and everything else plus an Ambien when I go to sleep. It makes it easy that way. Plus you should eat something small when you take pills.

Ok I've said enough. I'll save more for another post.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

If you think you miss a dose, wait till the next time to take it.

Advice I Didn't take.

Also I shouldn't drink anymore. That's how I forgot that I took my meds. And since the last time I missed my med's I had terrible withdrawl symptoms, I decided I'd be smart and take the useual dose. The terrible reveltion came when my friend Ian called and said I took my meds. It wasn't until I got to my nieces party when it all sat in.

Now I overdosed on nothing "fun". It was lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer. It's the kind of stuff that melts you brain. Like lsd but legal, works slowly, supposed to even everything out, and make me "less" bipolar. The side effects of this overdose was lack of depth perseption, dizzyness (which is an understatement), things moving that shouldn't, nausea, and fatique. Oh and paralyisis. I couldn't Move for like 3 hours.

I felt so bad, because this was my nieces third b-day, and my sister had so much trouble getting this party together. That's and I felt like an idiot cause I know:

If you think you missed a dose, wait till the next time to take it.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


So there are about a million resons I haven't written anything on here lately. FOr one,I went into a depression, which led to mixed state (thanks ritalin!). Then I went into the hospital. Which sucked cause the food is shit everyone's crazy (Duh) and they don't let you hae things, like cosmo magazine, and music. Cause those things can kill you. And cosmo can give you a bad body image, even though I'm cool with it.

Treament has taken away my self confindence, my ability to fall asleep, My over-all self esteem, and most of all my motivation. You can say it's the depression,but it's not. It's evrything else. It's the oversleeping, lack of self confidence, looking for a poin of doing anything. Last year I looked foward to alot of things, this year, I just don't care.

I look it up in a good book, but all they said was suck it up and try super hard. Try super hard? What the hell does that mean. I've been trying setting reasonable goals, but it doesn't matter when you don't see a point. It's geting better. I've been exersizing on days that I don't work, been busy getting the house in order since I've been slacking off since January. It's been hard. I'll be blogging more over the next few as I try to add this to my scedule. By te way pardon my grammer and spelling. This computer's keyboard sucks, And I'm too lazy to fix all 100 mistakes that I've made. Man I need and editor.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Stupid self-esteem

Sorry about never getting to the hospital story. I'll get to It eventually.

Ever since I've started recovery my self esteem has taken a compleate dive. Mainly because of all of the side effect have taken away alot of the things that I used to be able to do with ease. Like type, or multi- tasking. Things which are making my new job hard. Also like spaceing out and getting light headed at random intervals doesn't help either.

So you Can see why I don't have much faith in myself. If I can't through papers by my self anymore, what job can I have?

I don't feel Like typeing much today. I think I'm getting more depressed. I better go take my pristiq.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

To Pristiq or to Celexa

Tough question. Pristiq makes me manic but the doc says take it if you feel a depression coming on. Now I felt a depression coming on about four days ago, so I take one. I start to feel fine. So the next I go back to celexa. I was light a light switch of emotion, depressed on second, fine the next, maybe a little high a few minutes later, then all over again. Really weird stuff. So next day, back to pristiq. So today here was my dilemma. What do I tell my Doc next Wednesday? The Celxa stopped working? Or I'm addicted to the mania highs? (Which is a possibility) OR I'm crashing what do I do? I can't crash, not with this job. He and I are looking to find normal for me,When I don't even know what normal is.

I just hope I don't become unstable again.

Monday, February 22, 2010

OMG! Can I post around Here!

I'm going to take a short break from the previous storyline, to rant a little. It seem so hard to come up with time to do a simple task such as thins, even though I took a part time job to do so.Like yesterday atl I did was get-up shower, start to write but then my sister arrived like she was supposed, so it was my fault for not getting up earlier, not making more time. How? Gah! I'm being to hard on my self. That's on thing they teach you in Outpatient is to NOT be Hard on your self. Take you recovery day by day.But.... it does get frustrating.

Now on to something that has to you with the blog subject...
Med Prices

They Suck

Now why Medicine prices very from $.98 To $104 is beyond me but because one of my meds in of the later I have to go pick up samples from my doctor and discuss options. Yes, psych docs get loads of free samples so if you go to see on grab as many as you need, and some for your friends too. Meds are expensive. With my insurance I pay $.98 For my Celexa my friend pays $40 for his. And never through them out either. You'll never know If you'll need them again or if a friend will.

I'm Still not happy That even with the free sample it's costing me like $100 a month The Klonapin is $56 the topamax was $26 Everything else was pennies and I haven't got My desyrl or Invega substitute. So I really don't know how much It's really going to cost me a month. I'm poor already! Give me a break!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ch... Ch... Ch... Changes....?

I've been thinking that last year was a year of Change. Started Largely in part with a career change from me going from being a cook to a newspaper carrier. I Also gained a good friend that also almost ended my marriage and definitely left a dent on it. When you tell your husband your in love or you love or you and love or any combination of those words to him your not going to get a good reaction.

I had friends just up and leave me toward the end of the year, no given reason. But I had alot of good change too. I took LSD for the first time. That was way fun. Me and Doug had A 1969 party and it was super psychedelic (no LSD there). We somehow got another dog! I have all my natural hair back!

Even though the summer was super fun in August I had a mixed episode and the movie "The Goods" was so bad I wanted to Die. OK it wasn't the movie it was me. The incident was awful luckily Dug called my husband David and Saved me but I squirmed out of their clutches and didn't make it to the hospital. Just the toilet bowl. The next day I was quite embarrass. I vowed that it never be brought up again but I have in group twice so since then I've kinda gotten over it. Still embarrass to have envolved people though.

When I got the job at Lawrence Tech in September I thought thing were looking up but I sank into a depression by November. I was literally sleeping all the time. I slept at home, I'd Sleep at Doug's, I d sleep at my fried Ian's, I'd sleep when I could at work, come home sleep more. When awake I'd eat. Not alot. But It's not like I'd lose weight either. I maintained a healthy weight. I'd try to keep busy but I'd get tired halfway through then take a six hour nap. I never regulated my sleep like I should. Christmas pulled me up enough but when I return to work,there where too many negative feelings and then one day one lady sent me over the edge...

I ended up in the hospital cause I was afraid of another August all over again. For 3 days I was rolling around in bed crying wanting to die crying out for someone to help me and take me to the hospital but no one want to do it. Eventual Doug did it. David said He'd do it after Doug did. Typical. Ian did too. Men always do that....

Next Post....The Hospital...Not that Bad!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Still not sure how it works...

Yesterday was a strange day. It was Monday which meant It was on of the days me and Doug hang out so he had the pleasure of escourting meto Dr. Nair's office yesterday. Which was a disaster, cause I did what I do what I do when I'm, which took me awhile to recover from. Should keep klonapin with me and see if that would help with that.

He wanted to talk about my film career and paper route. and man was I all over the place. He think's I'm mildly manic. I think he's right. He thinks this job's bad for me, I'm not sure. I love this job. This job might be bad but I'm not giving it up yet.

I've been thinking alot about college, and how I can't wait to go back; but what with all that's happened I can't go back till fall. Still going though. Not letting this illness hold me back.

The rest of my dday was nothing to write home about (sorry Doug!). Plus Doug wouldn't want me to write about him in here anyway. So Sorry for such a short first post, but I have yoga and rocking out to Big Star to do.