Suicide

Suicide, when someone commits it, it's almost always met with denial. They accidentally took too many pills, or the wrong ones. They didn't know the gun was loaded. Even auto-erotic asphyxiation would be something people would grasp onto, but suicide...

Even though as bipolar I'm technically sick, I don't think of it that way. I think of myself as a normal person, But at times, as most bipolar people, we contemplate suicide. Suicide is apart of my disease, whether or not I view it as a 'sickness'. It doesn't matter your background or beliefs, when your suicidal all you can think about is finding a way to die. You don't care about your family, or ones you love. You might think of who'll miss you, over all you don't care. All you want is to die. How, doesn't matter. The easier and quicker the better. Suicide Ideation, what it is called, is the most scary part of this disease. If you are not treated for bipolar there is a 30 to 50 percent chance of suicide and suicidal attempts. Even with treatment there still is a 15 percent chance of suicide. Scary when your just diagnosed. Scarier when you've actually tried.

The last time I went into the hospital I didn't try, but I was on the brink of psychosis. I could barely function without thinking 'How am I going to kill myself?'. Scarier yet I was so irritable I was thinking of harming others. Life hurt. All I wanted is for it to stop. I had been depressed for months, been to the hospital before, went through treatment, took my meds regularly...but it all didn't work. Here I was in a mixed state. I hadn't really slept in days (mainly cause my doctor thought Ritalin was a good idea to get me out of the slump I was in the week before), and I was depressed as one can get.

Being suicidal isn't fun (obviously) nor is it a choice. In sane mind I would never kill myself. I love life and I have yet to accomplish things that I want. But being in that mindset, all you want is for the hurt to stop. Most suicides involve alcohol, which makes you even more depressed. My attempt back in August '09 involved alchol. Lots of it. I'm still reeling in the disgust I feel for doing that, to my husband and my friend.

Suicidal Ideation is avoidable with smart life choices and medications. It's only avoidable but will still happen. There is no cure for bipolar, and if your bipolar you eventually be in a state of depression, treatment or no. With that said the possibility of suicide ideation is high. When you get that far it's time to go to the hospital. If you can't afford the hospital, you need to be under constant surveillance, so have a trusted friend or family member in your back-up plan. Even so, everyone with bipolar needs a support system and a plan for when you cannot handle yourself anymore. Whether your psychotic or in a mixed state,manic or depressed, you need someone there to notice your symptoms, and have you recognise them. You need someone who can notice you slipping, and has access to your doctor.

I know I cannot justify suicide in anyway, but I hope with this post people can understand from someone who experienced these feeling first hand. With education suicide can be prevented. I hope in my blog that I'll eventually get to explain the warning signs, but as for now I hope I've educated some about suicidal ideation.

Ch... Ch... Ch... Changes....?

I've been thinking that last year was a year of Change. Started Largely in part with a career change from me going from being a cook to a newspaper carrier. I Also gained a good friend that also almost ended my marriage and definitely left a dent on it. When you tell your husband your in love or you love or you and love or any combination of those words to him your not going to get a good reaction.

I had friends just up and leave me toward the end of the year, no given reason. But I had alot of good change too. I took LSD for the first time. That was way fun. Me and Doug had A 1969 party and it was super psychedelic (no LSD there). We somehow got another dog! I have all my natural hair back!

Even though the summer was super fun in August I had a mixed episode and the movie "The Goods" was so bad I wanted to Die. OK it wasn't the movie it was me. The incident was awful luckily Dug called my husband David and Saved me but I squirmed out of their clutches and didn't make it to the hospital. Just the toilet bowl. The next day I was quite embarrass. I vowed that it never be brought up again but I have in group twice so since then I've kinda gotten over it. Still embarrass to have envolved people though.

When I got the job at Lawrence Tech in September I thought thing were looking up but I sank into a depression by November. I was literally sleeping all the time. I slept at home, I'd Sleep at Doug's, I d sleep at my fried Ian's, I'd sleep when I could at work, come home sleep more. When awake I'd eat. Not alot. But It's not like I'd lose weight either. I maintained a healthy weight. I'd try to keep busy but I'd get tired halfway through then take a six hour nap. I never regulated my sleep like I should. Christmas pulled me up enough but when I return to work,there where too many negative feelings and then one day one lady sent me over the edge...

I ended up in the hospital cause I was afraid of another August all over again. For 3 days I was rolling around in bed crying wanting to die crying out for someone to help me and take me to the hospital but no one want to do it. Eventual Doug did it. David said He'd do it after Doug did. Typical. Ian did too. Men always do that....

Next Post....The Hospital...Not that Bad!