Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Suicide, when someone commits it, it's almost always met with denial. They accidentally took too many pills, or the wrong ones. They didn't know the gun was loaded. Even auto-erotic asphyxiation would be something people would grasp onto, but suicide...

Even though as bipolar I'm technically sick, I don't think of it that way. I think of myself as a normal person, But at times, as most bipolar people, we contemplate suicide. Suicide is apart of my disease, whether or not I view it as a 'sickness'. It doesn't matter your background or beliefs, when your suicidal all you can think about is finding a way to die. You don't care about your family, or ones you love. You might think of who'll miss you, over all you don't care. All you want is to die. How, doesn't matter. The easier and quicker the better. Suicide Ideation, what it is called, is the most scary part of this disease. If you are not treated for bipolar there is a 30 to 50 percent chance of suicide and suicidal attempts. Even with treatment there still is a 15 percent chance of suicide. Scary when your just diagnosed. Scarier when you've actually tried.

The last time I went into the hospital I didn't try, but I was on the brink of psychosis. I could barely function without thinking 'How am I going to kill myself?'. Scarier yet I was so irritable I was thinking of harming others. Life hurt. All I wanted is for it to stop. I had been depressed for months, been to the hospital before, went through treatment, took my meds regularly...but it all didn't work. Here I was in a mixed state. I hadn't really slept in days (mainly cause my doctor thought Ritalin was a good idea to get me out of the slump I was in the week before), and I was depressed as one can get.

Being suicidal isn't fun (obviously) nor is it a choice. In sane mind I would never kill myself. I love life and I have yet to accomplish things that I want. But being in that mindset, all you want is for the hurt to stop. Most suicides involve alcohol, which makes you even more depressed. My attempt back in August '09 involved alchol. Lots of it. I'm still reeling in the disgust I feel for doing that, to my husband and my friend.

Suicidal Ideation is avoidable with smart life choices and medications. It's only avoidable but will still happen. There is no cure for bipolar, and if your bipolar you eventually be in a state of depression, treatment or no. With that said the possibility of suicide ideation is high. When you get that far it's time to go to the hospital. If you can't afford the hospital, you need to be under constant surveillance, so have a trusted friend or family member in your back-up plan. Even so, everyone with bipolar needs a support system and a plan for when you cannot handle yourself anymore. Whether your psychotic or in a mixed state,manic or depressed, you need someone there to notice your symptoms, and have you recognise them. You need someone who can notice you slipping, and has access to your doctor.

I know I cannot justify suicide in anyway, but I hope with this post people can understand from someone who experienced these feeling first hand. With education suicide can be prevented. I hope in my blog that I'll eventually get to explain the warning signs, but as for now I hope I've educated some about suicidal ideation.

Monday, May 3, 2010


One of the things about being bipolar that you hear constantly is that you need to keep a routine. Which means:

1. Regular sleep schedule
2. Exercise
3. Regular meal time, healthy of course
4. Meditation
5. Regular medication intake

Now this is the hardest thing I've had to deal with, because I don't like to be told what to do and when to do it. But with that said and weight gain from the pills I had to take the initiative and get on track. So far I've lost 2 and a half pounds of the six I've gained(after I stopped taking Risperdol), and with healthy choices for food and regular excise I'm sure I'll lose more.

I exercise with yoga and the Wii fit at around 3 am (Because I have to stay up till 7 am) on days I don't work. Afterwards I sit down with a pot of tea turn on the tele, sometimes, listen to music with the caps on the television and write. I try to add blogging to my routine so I get used to writing on a regular basis, so it makes writing my script easier.

It's been so long since I've written on a regular basis, and with being bipolar/ depressed, it makes it even less consistent. So adding this to my routine will force me to make an effort, and will help me get back in shape doing something I love.

I haven't got on a regular mealtime. Close but not consistent. I have been watching what I eat. I think I'd do better if I can stay away from Hooters and Buffalo Wild Wings.

And I can not stress enough how important taking medications on a regular basis can be. After my overdose I realised I was taking too many pills so I slowly brought my lamictal levels down to 200 mg a day. I cut my Trazadone in half to 50 mg, and started taking my Pristiq (50 mg) which definitely lifted my mood. I take My Pristiq when I wake up and everything else plus an Ambien when I go to sleep. It makes it easy that way. Plus you should eat something small when you take pills.

Ok I've said enough. I'll save more for another post.